ok Think there was something wrong with me. Over it now. hmmmmm. :p

Need to vent!

Ok well I’m getting real with myself on 2 fronts. First my weight, I went shopping for bathers on Sunday – and well you can’t hide. There was a fat chick looking back at me, even if I put my stomach in, it made no difference. (my stomach and boobs are protruding at the same level!!) I had a moment looking at myself in that mirror. Everyone around me views me as a fat chick – not two ways about it. So then I got angry, very angry. How long am I going to keep doing this to myself?? There is no running, no quick fix. I know what I have to do, so why aren’t I doing it? Sure I can come up with millions of excuses, but that the end of the day, they don’t help. I can’t wear designer nice clothes, I don’t fit into half my clothes… I used to wear really nice clothes and have a lot of pride in my appearance, but the girl looking back at me in that mirror had lost her way. I didn’t even know her anymore, she was starting to drift through life. I have never been a drifter, I have always taken charge and I was the person who was always on the go (right or wrong). So who is this girl??? So I go angry. I went home and started planning my food

Its now Friday and I have been eating really well now for the last 5 days. I’m not moving. I’m still angry. I still ask myself who the hell are you and what have you done with Sam??? But I’m using this anger to drive me forward. This time I have to succeed. I want my 30’s to see a different me, one who gets my career back and one who looks bloody hot. I want people to say – wow you have 2 kids???? No way!! SAM COME BACK!!!!!

Second, Schools for our kids. I had to make some really hard decisions…really hard. Things like is it better for me to go back to work? to afford private schools, or is it better for me to be home with my kids?? What schools would I send them to? as all the state schools around here are really bad. I went to a state school and was scarred from it. Soooo I have talked to everyone about it. I also talked to my catholic friends, catholic school have fantastic education programs, and because they are catholic, the catholic church subsides the education so the cost is unbelievable low for a top rating education. So I thought long and hard. I’m Anglican, proud Anglican. Could I convert for the sake of my kids? Long story short…yes. I did, my kids are now catholic. A lot of people will judge me harshly on my decision, but its something I had to do for my kids. Now Thomas is guaranteed to go to St Bedes and Jess, I’m not sure yet. Their marks are just as good as private schools and I’m happy in my decision. As they get a fantastic education, and we still have money and time with our kids. So I’ll leave it there, I feel much better for the vent!

a down day...

Don’t you just love bathers shopping. It’s the best! NOT!! I really have seen today how much weight I have put on and well…..the picture didn’t look good at all. I’m really going to have to work a little harder at this!

Well Jess is 6 month and 3 weeks old. Thomas is approaching his 3 birthday and I’m left wondering where all the time has gone!!! My friend Marinda had her baby last Thursday – not a good experience for her either…down right scary! However at least they are alright now!

I’m finding myself busier than every before, and have to say looking forward to when Jess can walk and doesn’t need to be carried everywhere. She is a heavy girl and my back is on fire. I’m still trying to win lotto, I know people say it isn’t the answer to all their dreams, however it would go a long way to getting there. lol

I’m having my inlaws come over in the next couple of weeks and DH has already told them they are going to be looking after the kids a lot!!! As we have no family support otherwise its really hard to get time to ourselves and very expensive!! However I’m realizing now that it is something that we are just going to have to do. I have never hired a babysitter before and I’m very very nervous about it. Hence to say I think our first trip will only be a hour. Hopefully within time (like everything) I’ll get used to the idea.

Thomas is loving occasional care!! Just as I was really getting used to it, I discover he only has 2 sessions left and they are over for the term – that happened far too quick!! I’m thinking towards the end of the year I’m going to put him in 2 days so he is very used to the kinder routine.

Anyway that’s it from me :)

Yes I have been bad L I really mean to update my blog more. So here is an update.

SIL has moved out, and I have just come back from sleep school. Jess is doing sooo much better for it too!! She is having 2 to 3 naps a day and waking max 3 times a night but mostly once or not at all. Very happy with that. When in hospital there was a girl there that was suffering PND and it truly broke my heart. She had a 8 weeks old son and wow, she arrived the same day as myself but was staying on another couple of days after me. I really hope she is ok!!! She very much kept to herself, but all day Wednesday I spent most of the day with her and she appreciated it. Counseling skills come in handy J

This leads me to my career, I know I’m a couple of years away but just cant decide if I should finish my 3 units and work for myself, or do something else. I have had a property development job fall in my lap (open for the next couple of years) that I’m seriously considering. This of course is if my brain cells ever come back, as I’m scared they have gone forever!! I’m sure baby brain was never meant to last this long!!

Thomas is such a little character now too. He went to occasional care today and made a friend with a boy named Mark. I have no idea who this is, this is the first friend he has made on his own. They were apparently getting on extremely well too sharing and playing together, wish I could have seen it!! While Thomas was there I went out with a girlfriend for lunch, wow I missed that!! Feel like I getting parts of my old life back. Seriously thinking of having a dinner party soon too as it has been 3 years since I have done this too. Very excited.

Well I’ll leave it here and make sure I don’t leave such a big time gap this time! I’m meant to be making dinner, though Thomas has just helped himself to “bob builder” yogurt, when did he get so independent? Did I miss something?

Well I'm back at the gym. I have 12months until my 30th birthday and I want to be looking better than I ever have!! I have to lose 12kgs all up, so I'm gearing everything up. Have decided this year I'm going to learn to be my own best friend (harder than it sounds!!). Starting with new clothes that I have brought, sick of looking like crap. SO this year is already off to a good start.

Jess and Thomas are doing really well. I had Jess's 4 month checkup yesterday and she is going perfectly well, which I knew, but always good to hear it. Still trying to get my head around the fact that I'm a mother of two!!! I'm really loving it. Thomas makes Jess laugh all the time which is sooo good to see.

Thomas starts occasional care next Friday, the count down is on. I'm soo nervous.. I know he will love it, but I'm having a few issues - as no doubt most/if not all mothers do!! I really hope he loves it :)

Sorry about the delay in an update!

Everything is going well. Jess is coming up for 4 months! She is doing extremely well, great child, really easy to handle (though I think that’s because we are better at it). She only wakes once sometimes twice in the night, and breastfeeding her is taking about 6 to 10 minutes both sides!!! (took 45mins with Thomas!).
Things aren’t as hard as I thought they would be, mind you they both go down for an arvo nap for about 2 hours which gives me a fantastic break! Thomas is showing signs of dropping his nap and for the first time in his life the other day I didn’t put him down. It didn’t turn out all that bad either! He was pretty good.

Thomas is loving being a big brother and he is helping me out a lot!!!! He wants to help all the time, I get him to put his clean clothes away ( and not just stuff them in draws! lol), get me the feeding pillow when I forget etc. He is starting to climb on things too, which I have to say is fantastic!! He has tried to climb on a few things he shouldn’t have but accepts that he cant do that. So this means now he can get his own water from the fridge, fruit from the fruit bowl etc. It is soo good.

Thomas starts occasional care on the 30th of January and emotionally I’m all very mixed up, this will be the first time my little man is away from me for an extended period of time (except when DH looks after him but even then its only for an hour). I think he will love it, but I really hope he doesn’t cry as I leave as I’m going to be a wreck! I figure I’ll do it 3 times and if things are improving and he doesn’t like it when he calms down then I’ll just take him out.

Jessica is showing signs she wants to roll – nothing solid yet, I’m about to move her from a wrap to sleeping bag as she is getting out of the wrap. Also rather than comfort her i think it irritates her. She is also very much a little chatter box too!! Loves to talk!.

So that’s about it – I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a fantastic NYE! We had a great time here J

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39 weeks

almost 39 weeks. I went to the movies with my brother last night. Lee looked after Thomas, dinner, bath and bed. It was great to break from rountine. I started getting BH in the cinemas which was funny. Hvae images of my waters breaking LOL. Then we went to get a hot choclate and chatted. Thats went I noticed the stabbing pain on my cervix ( same I got with Thomas about a week before he was born). Although it was stronger this time and harder to get rid of. WHen I got home we sat around and talked and again it was very strong. the only position I could get some relief was on all fours. I'm happy I'm feeling it as this is the first real indication that Jess's head is pushing on my cervix and the pain means I have to be a least a little dilated. I was diappointed there was no contraction with the pain though. So I went to bed and after about an hour they stopped. Nothing this morning. Just hope this means it is going to happen soon. I see the Ob tomorrow armed with all my questions, though I'm really steering away from induction at the moment. Only becuase I have they thought in my mind if I had done that with Thomas I know he wouldn't have been ready as it was only when I was in labour that he decided to turn the right way to come into the world. If I had sped up the process I dont think he would have turned. Hard to say. Anyway I haven't ruled anything out until I speak to him. Dh is looking after Thomas for my appointment so I can get as much info as poss.

39 weeks, one more week to go until my DD. wow at times this pregnancy has gone fast and at others just painfully slow!! If I do turn out going overdue please dont let it be 6 days!! I know on average if you are overdue second time its usually only 3 days. That would put my in hospital on the weekend. that I can handle. The only good news about going overdue is a get an U/S to see Jess, to check the placenta etc is still working. So anyway we will have to see....

37 weeks

Wow 37 weeks, never thought I’d make it – from anout 33 weeks on I really started to lose it!! In between not being able to sleep and heartburn wow. I had the best nights sleep last night, didn’t have to pee, and no heartburn and Thomas didn’t come in to us until 5am, I just climbed into bed with him and got another 2 hours. Wow the world looks a different place when you have had sleep!! Despite wanting this to be very much over, I will miss my pregnant body, I love this bump!

I got my TENS in the mail yesterday too, so I’m all ready to go. I really hope it works as well as what it did last time as it was a life saver last time. As I didn’t have to go to the workshop on it (only watch the DVD) it brought back when I was pregnant with Thomas instantly! Now that the nursery is finished, and I’m just loving sitting in there, sooo very happy with it – though it was a lot of hard work it has really paid off. Now I’m just waiting and a little anxious about when I’ll go into labour and leaving Thomas alone. On the other side I’m very much looking forward to having the time to just bond with our little girl too. So that’s it from me – hopefully next time I post it will be from the hospital!! :)

Well I had MG this morning, we haven’t met up for 3 weeks as everyone has been sick at some stage. Currently just taking it easy as Thomas is down for a nap. I have had a lot of BH contractions today, sooo hoping to have this baby early!! Someone said today only 4 weeks to go, I seriously don’t see it like that, I’m hoping for 2 weeks max. I’m definitely doing everything in my power to make it happen that way. I see the ob Monday so hopefully he can shed some more light on things. So that’s pretty much me :)

1. How far along are you?33 weeks and 5 days

2. What symptoms are you experiencing?Lots of Braxton hicks, exhaustion, and heartburn!!

3. How are you feeling?tired and a little over it

4. Any doctor's appointments this week and how did they go?Have my doc’s appointment next week then I think I see him every fortnight. I weighted myself this week and have hit the 14 ½ kg mark, no wonder I’m slowing down!!

5. Anything big going on in your personal life (family, work related, moving, etc)?Just the usual external familr crap. However it’s looking more and more likely my brother is coming back to Melbourne to live – soooo excited as I’m very very close to him. Also have started using my slow cooker a lot more – god I love that thing!!! I had dinner made and cokking by 9am this morning!!!!! It will be ready by 5!!! YAYAY

6. Any questions?is everyone getting a lot of pressure on their cervix? Like the baby is dancing on it?? Sometimes I feel she is just going to fall out when I walk!!!! Don’t remember this with my first

7. Any belly pictures?Have to get off my A** and get some

8. Food cravings?Just sweet foods – hence the weight I think LOL

9. Favourite thing about being pregnant this week?Still watching her move, it is one of the most fantastic feelings something I’m going to miss. Also playing the game, what are you doing? And what position are you trying to get into now?? LOL

X-posted in livejournal

hoping it will be over soon

Oh boy did I have a bad night last night. Heartburn!! ARRRR I only had 2 very very minor runs with it with Tom. However this time around. I was up every 1/2hour. I bascially slept up right, however by the middle of the night this put sooo much pressure on my hips that my legs are killing me today. Topped with not a lot of sleep I feel I'm going crazy!! Poor lee has had to do everything at night. Last night he had to get up to the dog twice and Thomas once. Thomas actually fell out of bed, the first time. I still can't work out how he did it. He has a bed barrier and a very very small gap at the end of his bed and thats wherre he fell???? When we heard it Lee went running and there was Thomas on the floor a little confused saying "fall show" that his name for the funniest home videos!! He asked to be put back to bed and that we it. very very strange!!

Anyway, Thomas is still getting up too early about 5:30am, if we go in there and lay with him we can sometimes get another 1/2 - 1hour out of him. However this morning for the first time, he got him self up and came to our room. Again he has never done this. I was waiting for the day it happened as I knew it would scare the crap out of me. Sure enough it did. To wake up with a figure standing the in door way!!! I hope this isn't a trend that is going to continue!!

Well I’m off to Sydney today, have to pick up my dress at 12pm and make my way to the airport. I was given the all clear by the ob so its all good. My brother is also down from Sydney at the moment (flys home on sat in time for me to see him again LOL). He came over Wed night and boy we had some fun. I really miss not having him around. He wants to come back to Melbourne to live, and has the opportunity too in the next couple of months but his girlfriend doesn’t want him to. She doesn’t want him coming back and spending time with his friends again without her. I really really hope she changes her mind, I want my brother back home!!! J

As for little miss, she is still moving around a lot, although I’m guessing there isn’t a lot of room in there as I get digs here and there. Poor thing was really moving yesterday as I was under a bit of pressure to get my bridemaids dress to a dress maker to take in as it was falling off me. Didn’t think it was a good idea to flash my boobs to people on my friends wedding day LOL!!! Ok well that’s it I had better go and finish my packing

busy day - now I'm tired!!

Today has been busy. Lee picked up his car today (he traded it in for his 4WD) as he wanted something that we better to use in the city. I also took Thomas to playgroup. He seemed to enjoy it, and I’ll go back, however must see if I can pay as I go, not point paying for a term when I’m due in 8 weeks. They should let me do it, I hope. So as you can gather I’m feeling better, thank god!! Thomas still has a cough and running nose and I’m hoping that clears up soon, a little being sick. I see the Ob today at 4:30 and can’t wait for that either as I seem to have a lot of questions! Also my brother is down from Sydney today and is calling around tonight – surprise visit. He flys back on Friday and then I see him on Saturday!! LOL

Ok that’s me, I’m hungry and off to raid my empty fridge!

baby talk

I have the strangest feeling on my cervix lately, I see the ob tomorrow and how everything is ok. It has been like pulsating??? thats it. it could be Braxson hicks I guess, but who knows!!! hope he is going to let me fly this Thursday. for some reason I dont think I'm going to make my dd!!

feeling crap

I'm feeling pretty crap at the moment. Thomas got a cold last week and has past it on. I don't normally get stuff, but assume that because my body is busy with the baby I'm going to cop it. Have a sore throat, blocked nose and a bloody stuffed head. ,......oh codrial would fix this no worries only I cant take it!!! I hope it clears up by monday, have to see Joel!!!!! Lee is coming home early to hopefully take Thomas so I can have a rest

I was hoping for a quiet weekend at home, fixing the nursery however already we have a BBQ on at my grandparents house on Sunday. We will be meeting Brev (relo in England) I can't wait. But wonder why my grandparents always feel the need to get involved!! I was just going to meet her for a coffee somewhere. Its probably there need for gossip that pushes them. So Dad is going to be there too. I only saw him 2 weeks ago, and not in the mood to see him again. Harsh I know but my family is all over the place, since mum and dad split it has made it easier to see mum (fantastic) but now on need to see Dad. all fun and games.

In other news, Lee came out of the blue last night and told me he wanted to help plan my 30th! I have been crapping on about how it is going to be fantastic (even though its 2 years away) I didn't really have a 21st so I wanted to make this one big. He came up with a whole lot of fantastic ideas. Thinking of hiring a hall and band. Only if we do that most places want you out by 11:30pm. so I dont know. We are going to have a fancy dress as all my friends really get into this kind of stuff well. Mum already plans to look after the kids and said she would be disappointed if we came home that night!! LOL.

On to mothers group, I went yesterday and we were all there. Someone commented on the noise level of 5 kids at the age of 2. It was sooo funny as a year ago it wouldn’t have been so high!! 2 of my friends also have their second, one 5 months the other 3 months. And Jo and I are due a week apart. I think we are going to have to find a bigger place to all meet. I’m sooo disappointed that Jo is moving to the country though L I’m the only one left living in the same place as when we all first met. Although the others aren’t far. I’d hate to think we aren’t going to meet every Thursday, they really are my lifeline!! Have been for 2 years!!

3rd time I have tried to write this!!!

Would you believe this is the third time I have tried to write this??!! keep getting interupted LOL

Ok well currently I'm 31 weeks pregnant. Feeling very big, and preying for a small baby, nothing like Thomas. I have my checkup next week and I'm also hoping to hear that our girl has turned, however I feel in myself that she just keeps doing summersalts!! She has calmed down a little at night now and I'm finding I can sleep a little better - or is that just me too exctued to care?? who knows

I'm also about 11 days away from my best friends wedding in Sydney and seeing my brother again so I have a very exciting week ahead. I'm just running through last minute wedding prep stuff, but my job has been very easy with C doing all the work and is very organised. Can;t wait to see the reception again. They sent me photos last night of the table made up etc. all I can say is WOW, the attention to detail is just fantastic!! Cant wait to see it in person.

So I'll leave it there, as I fear if I write anymore I wont post LOL!!